Alcohol + Facebook = Comedy

I'm currently working on two new posts, but can't find the motivation to finalize them, so here's a little story for y'all.

So, for what was probably the 5th time I've drunkenly deleted my Facebook account, I chose to make my voice heard. Slash my account was in Spanish and the reasons they listed for leaving FB were so comical that I really took time to read the page, and, unfortunately for whoever the fuck they pay to read user feedback, Drunk Kelly found a box asking for elaboration. The makers of CAPT already know it is unwise to allow me to provide my own explanation for seemingly simple, straightforward multiple choice questions, thereby allowing all of the demons in my head to run wild. So I let Facebook have a special peek into the abby-normal mind of Kelly Baker:


look, fb, it's not that i don't love you... actually, it is. you've surpassed your utility as a social networking device and have somehow transformed into a superhuman social necessity. simply put, i don't want to have to rely on you to feel like i have friends, i don't want to have to rely on you to tell me where da party at. I CAN DO IT MYSELF. you use me. you take my pictures, analyze my browsing patterns, and somehow make me feel obliged to log on to your website every 10 minutes or so. it's sick and sadistic what you are doing to society. It all seemed so innocent at first, but now i feel a serious dependence upon you. perhaps it is not your fault. i mean, why should an addict blame crystal meth for their problems, when the only person to blame for one's problems is oneself? i digress. in truth, mark, you have created a very revolutionary webpage. facebook has changed the face of the world. we are all much closer because of you. 6 degrees is nothing! however, i feel that i need to distance myself from this social parasite for a bit, and find out who i truly am, without the false guidance of your overly voyeuristic and manipulative website. i wish you all the best in your future endeavors, though i highly doubt you have many as i am sure you've already made your millions upon billions... again, thank you for your dedication, your scheming (yes, i read that article in rolling stone magazine), and your capitalist values. y como he dicho, esto es temporal; volveré, por supuesto.


...For the love of god, someone find me a lobotomist.